Pearls to the Pigs

7 Stages of the iPod junkie upon catastrophic failure

2010-01-21T22:00:00.003-05:00

The iPod junkie, like all crack-heads, goes through a series of 7 stages when his/her beloved iPod decides to go on strike.

The degree to which any iPod junkie experiences these 7 stages depends more or less on his/her love/dependence on music and/or videos.

I present you the 7 stages using the following case involving a close relative of mine and her experience after her iPod nano failed a week ago.

Stage 1--"But it was working fine yesterday?!" (Surprise)

It's Monday at 8:53 in the morning and the victim, 26-year-old Victoria, is surprised that her beloved blue iPod nano no longer turns on.

The surprise causes Vicky's blood pressure to start climbing steadily, along with her adrenaline level. Eye-hand coordination and sense of hearing become sharper as button mashing begins. She begins to draw button combination information from the memory modules in her cerebral cortex.

Simultaneously, Vicky begins to conjure up all her most hurtful profanity to try to mitigate the current situation. The needle of her Sarcas-MO Meter bounces off the end with every new verbal outburst. The blue iPod continues to lie there, peacefully. Vicky's music is trapped and she knows it.

Stage 2--"My iPod is fine, thanks. How are you?" (Denial)

2010-01-21T22:00:00.002-05:00

It's Monday afternoon and Vicky cannot believe her iPod will not turn on. She begins to make up excuses to not use the iPod, thinking that it needs to rest a bit. She tries to compensate by logging on to radio stations online. "Ah, music! But Damn those commercials! Ha! My iPod does not have commercials!" Maybe the next time she tries to turn it on, it will work and all will be well.

That night at the Gym, when Phil the Gym guy asked Vicky about her iPod, she felt her chest tightening and a knot building up in her throat. But she swallowed hard and started talking about her workout in a spirited manner as if Phil had not asked about the iPod. Her eyelids are starting to blink at different rates.

Stage 3--"If you turned on just one more time, I could get my music out and I would be forever grateful, no questions asked” (Bargaining)

2010-01-21T21:59:00.002-05:00

Then, Vicky, on her knees and firmly grasping the iPod with both hands, throws out all measure of composure and dignity out the window, exclaiming nervously: “PLEASE! I NEED THIS!” She promises that she will buy a new fancier case and that she will treat her iPod like a king if it could only allow her to rescue her music.

She has called everyone she knows to ask them for a possible solution. She promises to wash cars, houses and even do laundry in exchange for someone to take a look at the device. As if they were all brainwashed, the answer was always exactly the same—“I don’t know what to tell you.”

It’s now Monday night and Vicky, as a last resort, has decided to bring God into the equation. She prays long and hard into the night, waiting for a miracle. She continues to make promises. “Oh Lord, if you turn on this iPod just once more, I will be nicer to my coworkers, I will stop yelling at children while I’m driving and most importantly, I will forego ice cream for six months. FROM THE DEPTHS, I CRY TO YOU, OH LORD!”

She reaches over to her night stand with trepidation and attempts, for the nth time to turn on the device. The iPod…is there. It is still there, still cold, still silent…

Stage 4—“Ze musik in your iPod ist MEIN, MEIN, MEIN!” (Fear)

2010-01-21T21:58:00.002-05:00

Vicky had a hard time falling asleep. When she finally did, she had a terrible dream.

There was a tall podium and behind it, an angry, life-sized, tan-colored iPod Nano with cartoon-like hands was staring her down. She looked at its screen and there was a digital mustache, in the shape of Adolf Hitler’s! IPod Hitler begins to rant, glaring at Vicky, “Your ‘BELOVED’ musik,” he says while doing the quotation mark signs in the air with its cartoon hands, “now belongs to ze iPod race!” He then slammed his cartoon fist on the podium and ordered two life-sized, stout, black-colored, 160 GB iPod Classics to drag her away.

“it was only a dream…it was only a dream…” Vicky woke up screaming and sucking wind. It was 4 am Tuesday morning. Her hands were shaking, her pupils fully dilated and she felt a cold sweat all over her body. She went to the kitchen to make tea. With hope dwindling every minute, she has begun to fear the worst.

She knew she could not afford that cool new iPod touch that it’s so wonderful, it could be used as a personal bathroom attendant. But even if she could somehow acquire a new iPod, what about the music? She needed to find a solution and she needed it fast.

She could not stop her hands from shaking. After trying for 30 minutes to push and turn the stove knob in vain, she turned to the fridge.

Vicky finished licking the last drop out of the half-gallon drum of Haagen Dazs’ “Chunky-Monkey” at 5:48, just in time to get ready for work.

She drove very slowly to work. She was firmly holding the grey steering wheel of her white Chevy Malibu with both hands. Her eyes were wide open and she constantly looked at the rearview mirrors. On her way there, she stopped at the Circle K to purchase a pint of Rocky Road for the road.

As she sat in her cubicle, she crowned her trash can with the empty Rocky Road container. The time was 8:05.

At 9:36, she went to the ice cream vending machine in the office kitchen. After gobbling up a choco-taco, something unexpected happened to Vicky. There was no more happy feeling. She snorted another choco-taco, but experienced the same result. She would have tried it a third time, but she ran out of change.

Vicky begins to feel pressure on her chest again. The shakes are back. Intestinal gasses and fecal matter have begun to collect inside of her, pushing back against the intestinal walls, spreading the pressure to her abdomen. She tried all morning to release to no avail.

It became dreadfully apparent to Vicky that she had run out of coping mechanisms. She knows she can’t handle this much longer. Her work begins to suffer.

Stage 5--"Why me? Why now? Things were going so well. THIS ISN'T FAIR!" (Anger)

2010-01-21T21:56:00.003-05:00

It’s afternoon on Tuesday. Vicky has lost her appetite. She ate half of her homemade sandwich and spent the rest of her lunch hour sitting in her car, holding the steering wheel. Violent thoughts have replaced the thoughts of fear in her mind.

Vicky walks through the hallway on her way to her cubicle. She walks hard, arms straight down, fists clenched. She stares at the floor and mutters angrily to herself, ignoring everyone she passes by. “I WANT MY F%^$ MUSIC! GIVE IT TO ME, F%$#@ER!”

Her erratic behavior is starting to look a lot like Tourettes Syndrome. Her coworkers take notice and avoid her.

Once in her cubicle, she finds it hard to concentrate. She pounds her fist on her desk, thinking violent thoughts and muttering again.

At around 2:30, Betty, the closest thing Vicky has to a friend at the office, reluctantly came by her cubicle to tell her that she had left her headlights on.

“FUCK YOU, BETTY!” Vicky erupted out of her chair, ejecting a half-chewed piece of tomato that would end up costing Betty $50 in dry clean fees. She ran away sobbing.

Betty should have called HR, but was too chicken-shit to do it. Word quickly spread around. Everyone understood that there was an angry badger living in Vicky’s cubicle and unless you were wearing riot gear, you were going to get hurt bad. Vicky was crying out for help, but no one could hear her.

Step 6--"Vicky's not here. Leave a message." (Despair)

2010-01-21T21:55:00.004-05:00

Vicky no longer answers the phone. She visualizes herself doing dégagés, arabesques and pirouettes at city hall in iPod Town, where the Mayor is a plump, juicy green apple that claps his cartoon hands vigorously in enjoyment.

Vicky is losing touch with reality. She fades in and out. The space between the toilet and the bath tub has replaced the bed and the sofa. Vicky feels safe there. No one can see her, no one can judge her.

It’s Tuesday night, 10 pm. Vicky has been sitting there since she came home from work—her legs tucked, knees on her chest. She has a vacant stare in her eyes and continues to shake uncontrollably. She has already munched on all 10 fingernails down to her cuticles. The extra keratin has seriously made her lose her appetite. She feels drained of energy. Across from her is the blue iPod, lying there, secure in its blueness, mocking her.

“A life without music is no life at all,” she thinks. “I can’t do this anymore.” There is a great emptiness inside her. She nervously runs her fingers through her hair over and over again. Nothing feels good anymore. Colors are no longer vibrant. Vicky goes back to iPod Town and smiles slightly.

Vicky’s physiological processes are running on critical. She smells bad, electrical signals from her brain are getting lost, heart and breathing rate slow down. She is bloated. She can’t stop her hands from shaking and she can’t keep her eyes open anymore. Finally, she cries herself to sleep.

Stage 7--"Victoria!" (Acceptance)

2010-01-21T21:52:00.002-05:00

Vicky wakes up at 9 am on Wednesday. She gets up from the prenatal position and discovers that she has dribbled all over the towel she uses to dry her feet when she comes out of the shower.

Something extraordinary has happened. Vicky feels fine. She feels loose, as if a weight has been lifted, and feels a strong urge to drop a deuce. At 10:30, she is out of the shower, two full pounds lighter. The shakes are gone, both eyes blink in unison, heart and breathing rate have stabilized and her appetite for healthy food has come roaring back.

Vicky has accepted that her blue iPod Nano is probably dead and her music might be trapped forever. She will take the iPod to that fancy store that sells them. Maybe they can figure it out. She is comfortable in the thought that even if there is no way to revive her iPod, she can always get a new one and start collecting her lost music again. Whatever will be, will be.

At the mall, she walks with purpose on her way to the fancy store. She smiles at everyone she passes by. Meanwhile, at her office, everyone is on edge. They expect her to come walking in at any moment, strapped with C4. But they are wrong. “Badger Vicky” is gone and has been replaced with regular, optimistic Vicky.

Despair has been replaced with hope and acceptance in Vicky’s mind. Anticipation builds as she stands at the doorway. She takes a deep breath and takes the plunge.

She explains her problem to Sanjay the med student that works part-time at the store for extra cash. In what seems like slow motion, he plugs it into the store’s tester dock. At that single moment in time, Divine intervention takes place and the blue iPod nano that has caused so much grief and sorrow…WAKES UP! God has taken a hand in the terrestrial world on behalf of Vicky.

At that single moment in time, a P.A. announcement is heard: “Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has turned off the fasten seatbelts sign. Normal cabin pressure has been restored and our regular beverage service will resume shortly. Thank you for flying The Spirit of Vicky Airlines. Have a wonderful day!”

Victoria thanks Sanjay properly and walks out of the store to the sound of Lesley Gore’s “Sunshine, Lollypops and Rainbows.” She won’t question the miracle. It’s Wednesday and she is the happiest person in the world. BTW, she remembered that she was stingy and she left the store without buying a new fancy case for her iPod.

Bored with life? Get yourself a Nemesis !

2009-08-31T20:14:00.007-04:00

Today I realized that having a Nemesis, especially the "Arch" kind, makes my life more fun that it would otherwise be. For some people like my friend Anoop, a Nemesis can be used as a marker for excellence--a goal to beat.

When I was in college, I had so many nemesii that I had to be on high alert every single time I exited my dorm room, or entered the dorm building. Looking back, I feel that it made my memories of college much more memorable.

Today I have only one nemesis and she is of the arch kind. My arch nemesis is a person whom I happen to love very much. There is nothing more thrilling than landing a witty comment against her. She forces me to keep my mind sharp. I am a creative person and having this arch nemesis, makes me work hard to come up with the next sharp and intellectual insult. When I prank or insult Larissa, I get an incredible high. It thrills me to drag her name through the mud.

Everytime I know that my arch nemesis will be present, I immediately prepare two or three retorts in case hostilities flare up and it works every time.

My work has been so good that every year on her birthday, she goes through extensive preparations to avoid me at all costs. Because my influence is so extensive, she will not even share her whereabouts with her mother.

If you are of the competitive, serious kind and not into pranks, you can get the other kind of nemesis for productive purposes. Make it a co-worker, business rival, neighbor--someone you can dislike and turn into the enemy. If you do it this way, you'll end up working harder to be on top every time.

If you are bored and want a bit more flavor from life, by all means get one and have fun.

Feel free to comment about your own nemesis.

...pearls to the pigs.

From the Archives--Local Loudmouth Lives Past 30

2009-08-30T18:10:00.009-04:00

This is a piece of work that I had previously created and sent to my smaller, wider, cro-magnum sister from another mother and father during her birthday earlier this year. I wanted to share it with those who might not have had a chance to see it when I originally wrote it. The original names have been changed, of course. Enjoy !

LOCAL LOUDMOUTH LIVES PAST 30
March 16—AP—With a face wide and beautiful enough for radio, a voice with the perfect pitch and tonal range for a community newspaper, an ego as big as her girth and righteousness as tall as her stature, local loudmouth Soledad Sotolongo de Angulo (aka ChiChoChu—China, Chola y Chusma) celebrates the previously unthinkable feat of staying alive long enough for a 30th trip around the sun.

Easily recognizable by her sloping forehead, flaring nostrils, hairy knuckles and general ape-like demeanor, this Ford Pinto of humanity has “Graced” (…more like grazed, according to her closest friends) the Lima, Kendall, Orlando and Homestead communities for 30 years with plumes of smoke and effluence from both her mouth and explosion-prone rear-end.

Today, the world reflects on Soledad’s 30 years of worthless accomplishments, which are too many to name but that include her 10 years-to-life sentence with her 31-year-old wife-beating dead-weight lover; the pristine backyard of her house; her piano playing prowess; her ability to learn other musical instruments; her perfect Spanglish; her punctuality and sense of direction and finally, her love affair with cigarettes.

The list goes on and on, but a special mention must be made a couple of episodes of her life such as her breakthrough role in the low-brow play titled “The Chink and the Chow-Chow,” where she played the part of the Chow-Chow. Sadly, she took her role too seriously and started biting the actors and crew. But what led to the play getting canceled during rehearsal was her routinely relieving herself all over the stage.

She served as a test subject for the Smell of Patel fine line of products. “We signed a contract whereby the company would use Soledad to test my special line of the Smell of Patel products,” said Chai Walla Patel, President of Patel & Himself, inc., “She reported that she developed a rash from using the products. After that, we came to the conclusion that we should have known better than to test our products on animals.”

Nowadays, Soledad does not drink alcohol according to her best friend Paco Zorrillo IV. “That’s a fine accomplishment in itself,” he said as he adjusted his monocle and top-hat, “After all, there’s nothing like the sight of flies buzzing around Soledad after she passes out on the floor of your friend’s apartment. When you see that, it’s enough to make you stop drinking.”

Keeping away from alcohol, devoting time to her Baby-Daddy and Baby and making luxury trip after luxury trip, Soledad’s outlook has never looked better despite the aging milestone.

“If you take away her borderline tourettes syndrome (every fifth word she says is either S#!T or F*@K), the fact that she bathes every 3 business days and that she calls me an @$$hole whenever we’re in the same room, Soledad is a half-way decent human being that knows how to purchase and serve the best Chinese food--and in the end, that’s why we love her and that’s why we wish for her to live another 40 years at least.”—Argive. …Pearls to the pigs.

Coming Fall '09

2009-08-18T22:42:00.009-04:00

Dust off your old Kevlar vest and stretch pants because the fifth season of Thursday Nights of Thunder is locked, loaded and ready to spit another 13-episode salvo in your general direction.

Both of the characters that made the sitcom great are back. Audi 5000 EX2 "Fastback Edition" plays himself--the homicidal, suicidal, loveable, music-loving, cooking Cyborg with hydraulic hair in search of his lost sense of tact.

Emmy winner Marina Laredo plays Giralda Agria, Audi 5000's partner and the emotional anchor of the show. She delivers yet another powerhouse performance as she helps Audi 5000 in his apocalyptic struggle. This season, they move in together to their new apartment in the colorful complex aptly named "The Mosquito's Bungalow."

This season feeds viewers more of the same brand of grade-F TV Chub that you have come to expect. After taking a sneak peek of the season, I highly recommend that you prep your TiVO, or keep a steady supply of Rockstar available because you simply cannot miss episodes EF-2 "Marina, I'm leaking transmission fluid out of my dorsal vent," and EF-10 "Audi 5000's new 360º tongue action." If you're going to miss these two episodes, you better be in Afghanistan, Guantanamo, or just plain dead. Episode EF-10 also features guest star Mahmur Rhunnon (as part of a plea-bargain for his role in a liquor store hold-up back in June '08).

Oh, and let's not forget this season's finale. In the climactic final episode, Audi 5000 and Marina finally get to challenge the evil and charismatic Archduke Quimbombo, who as we know, was the one who uninstalled, cut and stole the sense of tact from a shiny new Audi 5000 during a grog house crane-style fistfight in the first episode. The season finale will be a 2-part, no-holds-barred, 3-day battle royale that takes place in the Archduke's hidden fortress of funk.

TNT promises, yet again, to be the high powered AK-47 that obliterates the ratings of all other infomercials and ancient re-runs in the Monday 2:30-3:00 AM time slot. The Magic Bullet and The Snuggie don't stand a chance.

So, if you work the graveyard shift and need something to stay awake, or you are an insomniac trying to fall asleep, give TNT a shot in the kidney.

TNT airs at 2:30 AM Monday mornings this fall on that cable channel that broadcasts all those Extenze commercials after midnight.

Will Audi 5000 finally get to retrieve and re-install his lost sense of tact? Tune in! ...Pearls to the pigs.

What I have learned from those closest to me

2009-08-02T21:16:00.011-04:00

Again, I take a page from Marcus Aurelius. These are the most important things that I have learned from those closest to me, though there is one of character below whom I never considered to be close to me. Nevertheless, just because you dislike someone, it does not mean that there is nothing to be learned from that person.

From family member Rowina, that endurance will get you very far, that love will help you endure whatever comes and that you don't have to be the most active person to accomplish things. That it doesn't matter where you start--it's where you finish that matters most. That you can be a good person and a hard worker and unhappy people will still find a way to hate you.

From family member Rufus, that mistake after mistake in life will eventually catch up with you. That you cannot ignore serious problems and expect them to go away. That the poor need compassion and a helping hand. The love of music and that great music will play forever. The passion of sport. That you can learn about any subject if you only had an interested listener with which to share. That when a father spends time with his child, it means the world to the child and when he doesn't, the child suffers more than he will ever know. That you can do favors for the whole town out of good will, but it means nothing if you can't collect on those favors when you really need them. That you do not need to speak the same language to communicate effectively with someone.

From family member Igraine, that you can find a lot of meaning in life if you can only find something to be passionate about. That the world can try to crush your spirit again and again and it will only succeed if you let it. That happiness can be as simple as a batch of warm organic cookies or a bucket of fried chicken with extra skin.

From family member Theodora, that if you set yourself a goal and you stick with it, you will succeed no matter how awful the circumstances. That it's great to be with someone who's open minded and who is eager to learn new things. That it's great to be with someone who supports you in every way, that encourages you to continue learning and to improve your existing skills. That there are no coincidences. That there can be lots of fun, good time and happiness to be found even in the toughest of times. Patience...lots of patience.

From family member Rose, that there is no shame in poverty. That there are things that simply cannot be put up with no matter the implications. That a mother's love, guidance and discipline will always triumph.

From family member Guilleaume, that abandoning those who count on you because you feel that your wants are more important than anything else is downright cowardly and outrageously irresponsible. But from this same person, I learned that despite doing so many irresponsible deeds over so many years, it takes a lot of minerals to say you're sorry and to ask for a forgiveness that you know you don't deserve. That Apologies are more meaningful when you don't wait to be in your deathbed to say them. It is never too late to say you're sorry.

From family member Alexander, that you do not have to be famous to be a really great person. That just because you don't like certain subjects, it does not mean that you should not learn about them. That books are incredibly important. That good deeds do not go unnoticed, especially when you help so many people.

From family members Janie and Michael, that fanaticism in any form can be so powerful as to turn children against their loving parents. It is so powerful as to allow the dying wishes of a loving mother to go unfulfilled. I hate communism as practiced by human beings and I will never be convinced that it is the way that people should be ruled.

From my family in general, that funerals don't necessarily have to be sad events. It is a rare opportunity that gets the family together and allows to collectively remember the one that's gone. Plus there is that great opportunity to catch up on juicy gossip.

From my friend Billy, that without guidance and the right mind set you will waste a large part of your life. You must accept your friends along with their imperfections even if those imperfections annoy us sometimes. In the end, people will do whatever they want no matter how good your advice is.

From my friend Joey, that you must live the moment and know that you are living it. Otherwise whatever joy the moment brought you will always be referred to as something that happened in the distant past. Just like my friend Billy, in the end, people will do whatever they want no matter how good your advice is.

From my friend Dewey, that you have to speak up when things happen. If you don't, it won't matter to anyone when you actually do.

From my friend Chloe, that if you turn your back on certain people, you will do it at your own risk. In the words of Morbo from Futurama, that "Ugly things on the outside can still be tender and sweet on the inside."

From my friend Bobby, that you can be a truly good person and get ahead in life without "bad" deeds. That there is kindness in the world and that it's worth fighting for. That we can condemn the world as evil, full of misery and injustice all we want, but that there are truly good and exceptional people who also live in the same world and they make the world a better place. God will always look out for them.

From my friend Dobby, that if you don't take time to plan, you will be doomed to run in circles. That you can be incredibly smart and still hinder your progress with a poor, defeatist attitude. Impatience will slow you down.

From GOD, That most of the time there is really no need for vengeance against those who wrong you because his divine justice is powerful and no one escapes it. That the sky does not have to open and angels fly down in order for something to be considered a miracle. Miracles happen every day. It really is better to be lucky than good.

From Niccolo, how to deal with people and what to expect from anyone under any condition. That the "practical" golden rule should be to do unto others as others would do unto you. That he who builds on the people builds on mud. That you need to surround yourself with the right kind of people; these are the ones who you can count on to be there for you when you need them most--These people are called friends and as time passes, they become family. Oh, just read the Prince...what a piece of literature!

...Pearls to the pigs.

Create that blog !

2009-08-02T20:57:00.002-04:00

When are you going to get off your behind and start that blog !

You know who you are!

What's your hurry?

2009-07-20T22:50:00.005-04:00

In the spirit of the great and wise emperor Marcus Aurelius, I write this piece as advice for myself, though I have a couple of friends in mind...

What is your hurry? The times we live in lead us to live in a great hurry, it is reality. Armed with the mighty calendar and basic clock you, as well as others structure your life.

Why must you live your life as if you're racing with the other 6 billion? When will you accept that your race is unique? It's your race and it is only against yourself. You will go as far as your will, ability, and circumstances allow. Many people before you have said the same thing.

Your will is the only one you have full control over. You can enhance your abilities and improve your circumstances up to a certain point. Everything develops in time. Oh, and let's not forget about luck. So why do you insist in trying to change the million things that you have no control over? Focus on your will to do the best you can. No one can ask more.

Are you worried that you're missing out on things if you don't hurry? Quite to the contrary, the more you hurry, the more you miss out. Though we may live through the same event, your experience is unique. All events happen when they are supposed to, period. Keep moving forward and put yourself in a position to be happy.

This is typical chat from the old and patient to the young and impatient....Pearls to the pigs